LET THE DEAD LEAVES DROP DEAD
It shook me like a bad dream. I remember going through days, just hoping that it isn’t real and anxious that any moment then, I would get a call or a text and it would all be better for good. I remember crying myself to sleep every single night and being scared of falling asleep, dreading my own dreams. I shiver when I think about mornings when I had no clue how to begin. He must have been a deadly habit, how else can you explain the spiral downfall, the sinking heart and a mind, begging to be set free?
I am not the most rational of beings but I have grown to understand that people change with time and circumstances. But it’ll still hurt watching them become strangers. Slowly, then all at once. And most of all, knowing and believing that the person has moved on too, will only set you free.
At first, it was just a war of thoughts and words. A turbulence. I wanted to reach out to myself but I could not. And so, I found myself standing in face of everything he had ever said. Most of all- “I do not like your mind. We are a mess.” It had played on repeat. I had always learned to be my truest self. I had learnt to fight. But nothing made sense. And I began questioning myself endlessly on ‘Am I toxic?’, “Am I wrong?’, “Do I say too much?”, “Do I say too less?’ and I apologized.
But finally, as my mind started craving logic, silence and rest, it was almost about time to let my walls crash. And I knew it was it, it was time to let go and let it be. I knew it would still hurt every day but I believed that the universe had a plan.
Here’s what I’ve learnt ever since.
● Acceptance. It took most of my time. Yes, it was not supposed to happen. But it did. I had to practice, throug the days. And I think , I am almost there.
● I talk through my emotions, and everything I feel, I have to let it out. I realized that not everyone deserves that. Both, the good and the bad.
● I stopped apologizing for who I was. It was not my burden to bear.
● Sometimes, you are just not ready for things to happen. That does not mean that they shouldn’t happen.
● Have you ever realized that when you cry, you can barely see anything? Everything is a blur. That’s probably a sign. A sign to be in the moment, and to not think ahead of time.
● Everything they say, it has more to do with them, than with you.
● An old book , lay on my shelf. Fiction, I had stopped reading it since we met. I dusted it off , jumped into my bed, and embraced my old self.
● Music, the best companion. I jammed to my favorite Taylor Swift songs. I still remembered all of them. She makes me feel I am not alone in my pain. Do you have someone who makes you feel like that?
● My Friends. I could not have made it through a single day without them. I have a chosen few, but yes, they know how to help me make things right.
● Forgiveness – I know it is a wise thing to do. I must, and I try. But honesty was so hard to come by, it hurts to forgive someone who has caused pain.
Sometimes, people leave us with questions instead of answers. Sometimes, you spend so many nights just thinking about them. You don’t have to forget. There’s so much to remember- possibly, lessons for a lifetime.I know , this happens to everyone. Heartaches, and unexpected goodbyes. Brutality, in the name of honesty. Black ties and white lies.
I had to try over and over again. And I’d fail every second day, but then I would try again. Because sometimes, you just have to know that you are not welcome anymore and you ought to respect yourself enough to just walk away. Sometimes, it is more about trusting the fact that the universe has it all laid out for you. Sometimes, weakness is strength and every ending only begins. Sometimes, only you can take care of yourself. If hatred takes a toll on you, make a silent prayer and let go. Breathe, and start afresh.
It might be the hardest thing to do, but once you emerge out of the storm, you’ll only be invincible.